EP: 182 Be A Boundary Badass: Create A Healthy And Fulfilling Relationship Personally And Professionally With Jan And Jillian Yuhas

Brave Women at Work | Jan and Jillian Yuhas | Boundary Badass

 

Do you ever feel like you’re constantly giving in to others’ needs, but your own go unmet? Are you tired of conversations that leave you feeling unheard and undervalued? Boundaries are the key to creating healthy, fulfilling relationships. Today, Jan and Jillian Yuhas, the authors of Boundary Badass: A Powerful Method for Elevating Your Value and Relationships, discuss the different faces of boundaries and how they evolve. These identical twins are Relationship and Boundary Experts who can guide you into navigating into creating healthy and fulfilling relationships. If you are ready to become a Boundary Badass, tune into this episode now! Join Jan and Jill Yuhas to help you build the respectful relationships you deserve.

 

During my conversation with Jan and Jillian, we chatted about:

What are boundaries?

The many faces of boundaries

How can you spot when boundaries are violated?

Boundary Badass: A Powerful Method for Elevating Your Value and Relationships

Boundaries vs. ultimatums

Can a disrespected boundary be repaired?

Listen to the podcast here

 

Be A Boundary Badass: Create A Healthy And Fulfilling Relationship Personally And Professionally With Jan And Jillian Yuhas

Welcome to the show. I’m so glad you’re here. Everyone, how are you doing out there? Let’s start with this question. How are you with boundary setting? Admittedly, I am not very skilled in this area, but I will be nice to myself and say I am learning. Saying yes is and has always been easier for me because I’m a people pleaser by nature.

I’ve never picked or made any bones about that. I am a people pleaser, but it breeds frustration at myself. I resent myself because I’m doing something that I don’t really want to do or I’m in direct violation of one of my values, aka what is important to me. I’ve shared on the show before that when I say no or set a boundary, I will often feel physically ill.

This is no lying. I feel physically ill because it feels so unnatural to me. I’m worried about, “Am I hurting their feelings? Are they going to be mad at me?” Again, the people pleaser comes out in full force. It takes me waiting for that feeling to pass, which I’ve learned I have to wait for because before I would rush in and then say yes again, something I didn’t want to do. Now I have to wait for that feeling to pass before I can do what I want to do in that moment. I’m really proud that I stuck to my guns.

I’m like, “I did it.” I have done it a few times. I recommend when people struggle with this, they start pretty small. Again, I’m still learning. When I learned more about the work of Jan and Jillian Yuhas, I knew that I could use their bound instructions, and maybe some of you are in the same bucket as I am. Let’s face it, who doesn’t want to be a boundary badass?

That’s so awesome. I want to be a boundary badass. Bonus, this is the first time on the show that I’ve had guests. I don’t often have two guests on the show at the same time I have before, but this is special because Jan and Jillian are also identical twins. It was fun and instructive to speak with them. I’m sure you will feel the same as well after listening to our conversation.

During my conversation with Jan and Jillian, we chatted about their definition of what boundaries are and why they are important. How there are many different types of boundaries? I thought there may just be personal and work boundaries, no, there’s a lot more that they go into and why they can change over time under different circumstances. How we can tell if our boundaries are being violated and what to do about it?

How their book, Boundary Badass: A Powerful Method for Elevating Your Value and Relationships, came to be. We also reviewed some of the scripts from the book on the fly, just during our conversation, which I really appreciated that they did. I found it really helpful to hear them. What the difference between boundaries and ultimatums are, and what happens when your boundaries are disrespected?

The question that we talk about towards the end of the conversation is, can that relationship ultimately be saved? Here is more about Jan and Jillian. Jan and Jillian Yuhas are relationship and boundary experts that are dedicated to helping individuals in navigating the intricacies of interpersonal dynamics.

With their background in psychotherapy and family mediation, they are committed to resolving relationship disconnects. As business consultants, leveraging their insights to assist companies in establishing thriving workplace cultures. As co-authors of Boundary Badass, it is more than a book. I agree it is more of a practice, but the book serves its purpose. It is a transformative journey designed to empower readers to voice their value, fill their emotional needs, and cultivate valuable connections through mastery of setting boundaries.

When Jan and Jillian aren’t embarking on their multi-entrepreneurial endeavors, they continue to fulfill their passion for guiding individuals towards personal and relational empowerment. Before we get started, if you’re enjoying the show, please make sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

Again, if the show, this one or the whole gamut, we’re like, this is 182 episodes. If you want to share the whole show, say, “Go back to the beginning.” I would appreciate you sharing this with a friend, a family member, or a colleague. Of course, your ratings and reviews help the show continue to gain traction and grow.

Thank you so much for your support. Also, if you haven’t yet downloaded one or all of the freebies from my website, check them out at BraveWomenAtWork.com. The first one is 24 career and leadership affirmations. The second is five ways to manage your imposter syndrome. The third, getting paid ten negotiation tips. Again, you can find more and learn more, and download them for free at my website at BraveWomenAtWork.com. Let’s welcome Jan and Jillian to the show.

 

Brave Women at Work | Jan and Jillian Yuhas | Boundary Badass

 

Jan and Jillian, welcome to the show. How are you?

We’re good; thanks for having us.

For everybody, this is a special treat because we traditionally just have one guest, but today we have two guests. I will let you decide who’s going to jump in. My first question for both of you is can you tell us more about your backstory and how you’ve gotten to where you are today?

She and I grew up in a small rural farm town of about 900 people and we moved to a huge metropolitan city of 3 million. When we went through that experience, we went through a huge culture shock. We realized during that experience that we didn’t have as strong boundaries as we needed. We experienced a lot of painful moments where people weren’t really respecting our needs and our limits, and that’s what led to starting our whole journey.

Just to add in on that, how did you know, and I mentioned to you right before we hit record, that I struggle with boundaries? How did you know that you were struggling with that?

I think a lot of times when you’re interacting and having conversations with people, you just feel like there’s this gut feeling that something’s not right or you feel like your needs are not being met, and when you try to express yourself or ask or something, you’re not met with compromise or how can we work on this together? You’re almost met with resistance, so they just shut down or deflect. That’s what you really have to figure out. How can I make this conversation flow much easier and find mutual respect in that connection?

Let’s back up a minute because everyone may have a different definition of what boundaries are. Why don’t you share your definition of what boundaries are and why you believe they’re important?

Definition Of Boundary

Our definition of boundaries and how we help people set them is a blend of interpersonal psychology and conflict-resolution skills because we are certified mediators as well. When we developed our system in terms of our method in terms of developing boundaries, it was actually in the first entrepreneurial endeavors that we went through, and we started figuring out that when we found a common value to operate from that this allowed us to negotiate mutual agreements with our clients in that business and have a win outcome.

That makes total sense. I wanted to congratulate you on your book recently. It’s called Boundary Badass: A Powerful Method for Elevating Your Value and Relationship. How did that book come to be?

Brave Women at Work | Jan and Jillian Yuhas | Boundary Badass
Boundary Badass: A Powerful Method for Elevating Your Value and Relationship

 

When life sort of was shut down for a few years in the midst of COVID, we just started writing, and it was always a passion of ours to want to do something and help more people. I think this is where we started talking about writing a book so we could be able to touch more people’s lives and be able to help people be able to advocate and speak up in that relationship both personally and professionally. A lot of the boundary formulas out there are very trauma-informed based where ours comes from a bigger-picture perspective. It’s not me mindset, but it’s a we mindset. How are we resolving this together? Not only are we honoring our own needs, but we’re also elevating the relationship.

With the trauma base, whether it’s abuse, mental, physical, sexual, like you’re talking about that kind of trauma, or give me a little bit more on delineating your methodology versus some of the stuff out there.

A lot of times when people, yes, experience trauma, it could be any sort of, it could be physical abuse, it could be emotional or psychological. That person’s coming from me mindset, and they’re saying, “Please stop treating me this way or else I’m going to do X, Y, Z.” It’s a conditional term. It’s a threat or a demand that’s projected on the relationship itself, but what happens when we set boundaries from me mindset, which is more of that has been trained by? I think a lot of therapeutic modalities start that way. What happens when we have that me mindset is we’re actually creating a greater disconnect within the relationship itself, because the other person may not understand where we’re coming from.

We create a greater disconnect within the relationship when we have that “me-mindset.” Share on X

Versus yours, you said it comes from a we mindset. They’re very clear on where the boundary is originating from and why it’s being set, correct?

Yes, and we’re trying to, ours includes a value-based framework versus a motion-based one. We’re trying to come from values because values are universally understood and that allows us to get our point across, but then we’re making a request to say, “How can we work on X, Y, and Z, too, in regards to relationships?”

You want to get the other person talking first, and we’re pointing out the behavior that feels uncomfortable or that’s creating the discord, and we’re not talking about the person. We’re not saying, “You did this.” We’re saying, “It seems like we’re not on the same page here. I value collaboration. How are we going to work on this to get on the same page going forward to promote growth in that relationship?”

Totally different. Let’s start here. How do we know when we need to set a boundary with someone?

Often, you’ll know if somebody crosses your limits. It’s really good for us to have self-awareness of what our limits look like or our emotional triggers, because those cues can be physiological cues within the body, or it could be somebody also crossing your limit to the point that you have an instantaneous emotional reaction to whatever has been said to you or whatever has been done.

The uncomfortable behavior that you’re experiencing. That trigger is your cue to set a boundary, but the opposite of the trigger is the value that we’re setting the boundary on. For example, if someone is dismissing you or ignoring you, then you might value mutual respect or you might value communication. That’s where we’re going to set the boundary in order to let this person know what it is that we need at that moment.

Breaking that down a little bit. It sounds like to start being, and I’ll use your book title for fun here, being a boundary badass, you need to know what your values are. That’s one thing, like knowing what’s important to you, so we can maybe talk about that for a minute. Also, knowing maybe when you’re being triggered. It sounds like a lot of self-awareness is involved here.

Yes, and it also requires emotional regulation too, because we want to be able to set a boundary in a very calm, constructive manner when it comes to communication because if our emotions heighten, that’s only going to add further discord to the disconnect or the situation of what’s going on. Understanding our five values is what’s going to help us be able to articulate what it is that we need.

Those values, like Jan mentioned, are connected to our emotional needs, but when we honor these five values on a day-to-day basis, that’s also going to help us identify if one of those values is being violated to set a boundary. That is universally understood, so you’re more likely to get collaboration from the other person in mutual respect, whereas emotions are one-sided perspectives and can be easily misunderstood.

Just as a sight, Jan, so if someone doesn’t know their five values, do you have any resources or recommendations on where they might want to start?

To determine your top five values to operate on, and you can have more, we just break it down to having a top five to make life a little bit easier, but if you look at your current relationship or maybe past relationships where your needs are not being met, that’s where you determine what is that you do value in order to have inner peace within your relationship and within yourself.

In terms of resources, I’ll throw out here, and I’m not saying that you use this, but just what I have used is I love Brene Brown’s exercise on this. She has a really good list. She gets it down to two, which is super challenging, but I’ll take five. I’ll take five; that’s not too bad.

It’s easy. You could be a little bit limiting because you also might have different values for your personal relationships and different for your professional relationships too. Even though across the board, you might have some that overlap, it’s really good to define both personal and professional. In our book, this exercise is there to help you practice and identify what your values are. We also want to be able to make sure that we’re honoring on a day-to-day basis. Just like we have positive affirmations, we have value statements. Choosing 3 out of 5 every day to live by can really help you know how valuable you are, but also help you identify if someone’s not valuing you as you engage with them.

This strengthens your authentic truth and inner voice.

I love all that. We talk a lot about that here at the show. That’s great. In your book, too, you also talk about different types of boundaries in the book. I don’t know anything about this. This is brand new for me. When I hear boundaries, I’m like, “Okay, it’s all the same type of boundary,” but you’re saying, “No, they are different types.” Can you share more about that?

We have entrepreneurial boundaries. We have emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, time boundaries, intellectual boundaries. We have different types of boundaries in different elements of our lifestyle, whether it is in our work environment or in our personal lives. Obviously, there’s some overlap there, but we definitely want to be able to have boundaries in every facet of our life because that’s what’s going to promote healthy relationships.

Brave Women at Work | Jan and Jillian Yuhas | Boundary Badass
Boundary Badass: We have different types of boundaries in different elements of our lifestyle.

 

That’s going to allow us to be able to navigate conversations with ease, but then it also creates this energy in our life that feels very calm and collected. We can navigate any type of client relationship or personal relationship with family or friends and just feel more peaceful. You’re going to look at boundaries and pretty much every element of your lifestyle.

You can put them into categories, and is the approach to ask to set that boundary in each of those categories a little different too?

When it comes to personal boundaries, you might say I feel dismissed or I feel undervalued, but when it comes to professional boundaries, you’re going to address the disconnect and not your feelings. You’re going to be a little bit more from a big-picture perspective and on the outside. It seems like we’re not on the same page here. It seems like we might see this very differently. You’re addressing the disconnect of different perspectives.

In the book, do you provide those sample scripts because I’m all about scripts with my clients? I was just curious about that.

Absolutely. Each chapter, so the first 10 chapters are all about that personal, self-discovery and personal development. Chapters 10 through 28 is broken down to each type of boundary chapter, but then the method is actually towards the end of each chapter, and it breaks it down and provides samples of what questions to ask, certain types of boundaries that you could set in these types of situations. It’s all broken down per chapter based on each category.

You can read this book from cover-to-cover or you can flip to a certain area and just practice within a particular type of boundary.

The ASAP Method

Yes, you can. The whole method is we call it the ASAP method because it’s for steps. A, that stands for Assess. You’re going to assess with discovery questions whenever your limits have been crossed in order to understand, to make sure we’re not assuming what the other person is doing intentionally, but to understand where they’re coming from. Then S is Set the boundary. A is Agreed to a mutual plan. Then P is Perceived with accountability with the boundary that has been set.

You had mentioned a minute ago if our boundaries have been violated. Again, being a newbie in this area, how can we tell when that’s occurred?

Think of a moment. Let’s say you’re having a conversation with a client or a colleague, and they say something that’s just very off-putting or offensive. That would be a sign that they’re not respecting you in that moment because it feels uneasy. It feels like there’s tension, but it seems like they’re more concerned with themselves than the relationship. That’s going to be a cue that you’d want to set a boundary in regards to mutual respect or even constructive communication if they’re gaslighting you or saying something that’s inappropriate. They may not even be aware of what they’re doing, which is why that emotion that we feel is our cue to take care of us and be able to speak up in those moments.

Are there also physical signs like where you get frustrated or you’re getting red in the face, angry, anything else that would be like a telling sign? You’re like, “My boundaries have been violated here.”

You might get a headache. You might get a stomach ache. You might become very anxious. Lots of different sorts of physiological cues might happen at that moment.

It’s talking about physiological cues, and I don’t know if this will make you laugh, but for me it makes me laugh. When I’m setting a boundary and I’m new at this, like I’ve said a couple of times, I often feel physically sick or uncomfortable, like really uncomfortable after I’ve set them. I don’t know if that’s normal, and I’m hoping you guys will tell me that this gets easier with practice.

It does get easier with practice, but it also could be the method that you’re using or your approach, and how you’re setting that boundary. This is where our method is different because if you’re setting a boundary and you’re approaching it from more of a conflict resolution perspective, you’re trying to resolve those differences. If you’re coming at it from more of I need this to happen if we’re going to continue this relationship, that can be very me oriented which might get a poor reaction from the other person.

We can fear the reaction of somebody else or feel guilty for even voicing our value if our voice was silenced during our developmental childhood years. That’s why it can sometimes feel uncomfortable, but it could be the approach versus you as a person in general in terms of how you’re setting the boundary.

If you don’t mind if we could play with that a little bit in that example, how would I make that boundary ask more we-oriented using your framework versus me-oriented in that, just so people can hear live, women can hear live, like how they may need to change how they’re asking.

It’s a three-sentence structure to actually set the boundary. I would say, example, let’s say, let’s use teamwork as an example of the value that I’m going to utilize here. I would say, “It seems like we’re not on the same page when it comes to meeting deadlines for the team project. I value teamwork. How can we work better together to meet the deadline for our client?”

Let’s break that down even further because I want to get and I want them to get it. The three steps are, so tell me them in that order.

The first sentence is we’re pointing out that where there’s a disconnect or discord where things are not working in our favor in regards to the relationship. We’re identifying what that behavior is. The next sentence is I’m going to say what I value, so I value teamwork because we’re not experiencing teamwork in the problem. Then I’m going to say like, how can we resolve this together? Or how can we get on the same page? Or how can we meet the deadline for the client? I’m trying to present the goal to achieve alignment.

Versus it’s like very me against you. It’s like, that whole we, how can we work together to get to this new desired state?

Correct. We verse the relationship problem.

I know that you guys are experts. You do this, you’ve written a book on it, right? How long, I don’t know if there is, Jan. You can do this in six weeks, but that would take me some time to practice. I do want to encourage women like that it can be done. Do you feel like after a few goes, like a few tries, it can start becoming a little bit easier to use that framework in those three sentences?

Yes, I would say it’s probably easier to write it out, like in a text or even email communication, when you’re first learning versus verbally trying to speak, because it’s much easier to advocate for ourselves in written communication when we’re learning something new because it’s helping us process our emotions as we type it or write it out.

I’ve even had some of my coaching clients, and I would encourage you that are listening, anybody that’s listening, you can always have like when I go into a business meeting at work, I have a notebook, right? People are like, she’s going to take notes, or I have an agenda. You can have those three sentences on that agenda at work. No one knows that you have your little script out. I actually find it a nice helper or a nice aid in these types of critical conversations.

Especially if you know that you’re going into a meeting and there’s already been some difficultness or poor operation, things are just not working. You know this meeting has an agenda to try to resolve a problem within the company. It’s yes, having that written down in your notebook can be super helpful. If it doesn’t come across as elegant and quickly, you butcher it, that’s okay too, but the goal is to really talk about that value and make a request by using a discovery question, which is an open-ended question to engage in conversation and get their input.

If you need to buy yourself time, it’s good to ask more discovery questions to gain insight into the problem where the other person is coming from, because that could also buy you time to gather your thoughts on the boundary that you do want to set.

Share some of those discovery questions. Let’s say that you do need to buy yourself time. What should they ask?

Can you share more about Project X? I want to understand where you’re at with the project. Help me understand what timeline you would like us to have this project completed by. You’re asking open-ended questions to get them to talk while you’re thinking about how you’re going to position your boundary.

It’s not stalling; it’s actually clarifying, but it also gives you that time so that you can frame your thoughts.

It does both, yes.

One thing that I’ve just realized is I’ve been telling you that I get that. I do really get that physically ill feeling. I think part of this is it’s all mixed together with maybe feeling guilty that I’m asking for something or holding that boundary. Just to clarify my situation, I’m sure there’s other women that feel the same. What about if we feel guilt or shame or any of the other kinds of maybe lower-level emotions that attach to boundaries? How do we get through that so that we do not feel convicted in setting these?

You’re going to want to make sure that you practice your value statements and really focus on your true alignment with your truth because the stronger your value system is, the easier it is for you to set boundaries and ask for what it is that you need, and it’ll help you when you’re asking from a place of value. It helps eliminate some of those feelings, rather than if we were to operate from our emotions and project them onto the other person. That can make us feel a little bit more guilty, like we shouldn’t be saying that or doing that, rather than from a place of value. It really allows you to honor your truth. That’s how we build competence is really learning new skills in order to strengthen our voice.

Practice your value statements and focus on your true alignment with your truth because the stronger your value system is, the easier it is to set boundaries and ask for what you need. Share on X

I also think seeing is a basic need. Just like you might ask someone if you need a glass of water because you’re thirsty. See this as a way is like you’re asking for a basic need to be met in that relationship in order to proceed forward.

You’re seeing it as a basic need, not a nice to have.

The bond what’s going to meet a need that you need in order to proceed forward in that relationship.

That makes me feel a little bit better already, just thinking through that. Speaking about differences, let’s talk about boundaries versus ultimatums. I know that’s also in your book and the work you do. What is the difference, and when do you need the ultimatum versus the boundary?

Ultimate Versus Boundary

We really don’t want to use an ultimatum except perhaps the only time we would use one if we are in danger, like if you don’t stop touching me, then at that point in time you might be more lateral boundary or ultimatum would be set because, and that’s from me mindset, because somebody is physically harming you or somebody is more or less putting you in a “danger situation.” You feel like you need to get out of it immediately. That’s where we might use an ultimatum, and it’s more or less a demand, such as if you don’t do X, Y, Z, it’s a conditional term that I’m going to do X, Y, Z instead. When you place that conditional term on somebody, that would be an ultimatum.

It’s like a wall. Ultimatums are walls.

You’re not trying to create a connection, it’s breeding, resentment, and disconnection. It’s in a way that’s not promoting growth or showing value as an individual. We wouldn’t want to use them like you said unless we’re in a place of danger and we feel like the other person’s dismissing us or disregarding what our limits are after we’ve set the boundary.

One clarification on that. It’s a whole; you’re using your framework with we, right? It’s also on the other side, it’s often like you and me, right? It’s a me focus. Just as a nuance here. Is that why it gets weird with the me piece because it comes across as more of an ultimatum?

Yeah, because if you feel like you’re setting an ultimatum, you’re coming from a me perspective, and you’re saying if you don’t do this, you’re telling that person what to do. More than likely, it’s going to be met with resistance because people don’t like to be told what to do.

It’s like placing an expectation on somebody.

Where boundaries are all about setting the standard of what we are willing to accept and not accept.

Ultimatums, like you said, are going to fracture relationships and cause resentment, and anger from the other person. It’s just, it’s not going to achieve. It’s not going to make any positive movement.

Correct.

I love how you guys answered together on that one. It was so funny. Now let’s talk about changing boundaries, right? Can you change them at any time, or once they’re in stone, they’re there?

Yes, the boundaries can be changed as the relationship evolves. For example, say you have a boundary for a romantic couple, and then they have date night every Saturday night. Let’s say that one of them gets a new career, starts a new business, or maybe they bring children into the picture. Those boundaries might evolve and change based on the environment or the circumstances that are being brought into their lives. It might have to be redefined in order to still meet the needs of the relationship but also meet these other needs that are being presented within the relationship.

Or if you’re like a businesswoman and let’s say you’re changing your business hours of operations, you’ve been operating from 8:00 AM to 8:00 PM, Monday through Friday, and all of a sudden you realize that’s no longer working for you. Now you want to have maybe from 9:00 to 5:00, Monday through Friday. Maybe emergency communication is only on Saturday mornings or something of that nature. You’re changing them according to how you see things evolve within your life.

Let’s say that you’ve set a boundary using your framework with the whole perspective of we. How would you go about it? You can use either of the two examples. Let’s say you’ve set that boundary with that person before, whether it was the date night or the work example. How do we go back to that person? I don’t know if we want to use the three sentences again to change them. Does it cause confusion or frustration with that person now that we’re changing the boundary?

You would want to explain the snare. You might say I know we previously agreed to whatever the boundary was. There’s some other factors that are in play now. I have my new business, or there’s a new child in the picture, or whatever it is that’s changed within the dynamic. I want to keep staying aligned in our relationship, but how can we figure out how to still stay aligned as a couple in order to meet this goal while we’re also still balancing everything else that we have going on? Does this still work for you? Are we able to manage this, or do we need to figure out another plan in order for us to still make time for our relationship?

You’re still using we; you’re setting where it was, but you’re also highlighting what’s changed as kind of the why of why you’re resetting a new boundary.

Yes, correct. We want to get their voice too. That’s the whole point is both people have a voice in this discussion. That way, they create this mutual agreement in terms of the negotiation process because we have to figure out what works with both people, and if they have different perspectives, you can’t just expect someone else to honor your boundary without having that conversation.

We’re making it neat and tidy. What if you talk to someone with the boundaries, you use your framework, use we, and they don’t agree or there’s resistance? How do you deal with those scenarios?

That’s great. You’re going to ask them to further explain where they’re coming from. How did they arrive at that perspective? How come that perspective is important to them? Then you’re going to try to figure out, okay, but this is how I’m thinking about it. How do we meet in the middle? How do we compromise to find a way to still manage working collaboratively together and move forward?

There also might be times in life when you experience people who have very challenging personality types. You might have other factors playing into where it’s like their ego against the world. When that happens, sometimes you have to redefine relationships as well. If that person cannot respect you, no matter how many times you attempt to create a mutual agreement.

On that line, one of the other questions I had is, so let’s say that you can’t come to an agreement or they don’t respect our boundaries no matter how hard we work at it. Again, nothing is black and white. Life is all about the gray and the middle ground, but is it like a sign that this relationship is over? Can it be salvaged? Because I know you guys are about healthy relationship dynamics.

In those situations, sometimes if there’s finances involved or if there’s family involved, a lot of times it’s just a matter of redefining the relationship where it works for you. Maybe you limit your time or interactions with this person because you can’t remove them from your life, or perhaps limit communication or whatever that looks like for you. That way, you’re still respecting yourself if you have to engage with this person, but at the same time you find a way to make it work for yourself. That way, they’re no longer affecting you emotionally, where you can’t show up as your best self.

Maybe, for example, say it’s a holiday boundary, say you have to go to a family event, but you just don’t get along with one of your parents, no matter how hard you try. They’re not willing to like listen to you. You might just only stay for one hour rather than stay for eight hours to celebrate the holiday. Or you might say, “Let’s hop on a video chat, and I’ll connect with you and the rest of the family over video.” “Unfortunately, no, I won’t be able to make it this year or something.” You figure out what works for you to create your own safety within that dynamic.

Then going back to your values and your value statements, let’s say that one of yours is just peace or harmony, then you would be fine with the idea of, “I’m not coming this year.” When I hear that, I’m like, “I feel guilty,” but maybe that’s not my value. If once you have that clearly defined and you’re using your values regularly, it probably won’t feel like guilt written. It’s going to feel empowered because you’re living by your values.

That’s where really honing into your values on a daily basis and having this like mental exercise is really healthy for us to do because then we start realizing I’m putting these other people on a pedestal or I’m putting myself last versus how come my needs are not important? How come I have to come second? Or how come we can’t have an equal playing field? How come I have to feel guilty for speaking up or asking for what it is that I need?

As it comes down to it, I’m sure with you all being mediators, sometimes it just can’t be saved. I’m assuming that happens.

There comes a time when sometimes discord can’t be resolved. You do have to part ways if the other person is not willing to work in the best interest of the relationship. If they can’t see outside in themselves and they’re just very narrow-minded, black and white, or fixed mindset, as we like to say, then you’re at an impasse and you have to figure out, do I want to continue or do I just need to part ways and just know that it’s come to an end? Because there are always beginnings and endings to a lot of different things in life.

Maybe each of you can give me one. I always ask my guests, what are one to two ways women can be braver at work? Who wants to start?

I would say learning to honor your authentic voice and voice your value because if you don’t speak up, then how can you be heard, understood, and respected? Because your voice is your most powerful tool to create the life that you want, especially in your professional realms, like you want to be able to be seen as either an expert or be seen as someone that provides value. The only way to do that is really to voice your value.

I would say start small when it comes to setting boundaries at work in order to if you feel like you’re not getting your needs met, start with just one boundary that you want to focus on and start there. When you start with small baby steps, then eventually you’ll keep evolving to bigger steps, and that way the boundaries will become much more natural, which is one boundary that you know you need that you can’t live without and this problem has just been going on for like months, but you’ve stayed silent and haven’t really addressed it. That’s what I would do in order to be braver, just start with one step forward.

When you start with small baby steps, you'll eventually keep evolving to bigger steps, and that way, the boundaries will become much more natural. Share on X

Just for fun and interaction on social media, and of course, we’re going to share how to connect with both of you online. If you listen to this and you start with a small step to set boundaries, we would love to hear. I’m sure that Jan and Jillian would love to hear. I would love to hear via social media so we can celebrate with you because I do think that this is a big deal to feeling self-worth, like living and embodying your values. I think this is so important. That’s why we’re talking about boundaries, because it is such a critical topic. I’m sure that we would love to hear your story. Please share it with us.

We would love to hear other people’s stories.

How can women connect with you by the book? Again, the name of the book is Boundary Badass: A Powerful Method for Elevating Your Value and Relationships. How can they find the book and connect with you online?

They can find the book on Amazon and ebook, hardcover, and paperback. They can also head over to JanAndJillian.com to learn more about other links where the book will be listed at and other services that we offer. They can follow us on Instagram @JanAndJillian.

Thank you both so much for being here today. It’s always fun, but I don’t think I’ve done this in quite a while. It’s been fun to talk to both of you and to be learning more about boundaries. Thank you so much for being here and for the work you do.

Thanks for having us.

That does it for my discussion with Jan and Jillian today. I hope you found our conversation both valuable and inspiring. As a reminder, please rate, review, and subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. The show is also available on any other podcast platform you enjoy. Until next time, show up, be a boundary badass, and be brave.

 

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About Jan And Jillian Yuhas

Brave Women at Work | Jan and Jillian Yuhas | Boundary BadassJan and Jillian Yuhas are Relationship and Boundary Experts that are dedicated to helping individuals in navigating the intricacies of interpersonal dynamics. With their background in psychotherapy and family mediation, they are committed to resolving relationship disconnects, and as business consultants, leveraging their insights to assist companies in establishing thriving workplace cultures.

As co-authors of Boundary Badass – it is more than a book; it’s a transformative journey designed to empower readers to voice their value, fulfill their emotional needs, and cultivate valuable connections through mastery of setting boundaries.

When Jan and Jillian aren’t embarking on their multi-entrepreneurial endeavors, they continue to fulfill their passion for guiding individuals toward personal and relational empowerment.

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